Tuesday, November 25, 2014

Well bury me in your chip bag remnants-

Gross actually, but I usually wonder what to do with the salt accumulated at the bottom of chip bags and cracker boxes. Perhaps some hardy raccoon is licking them up as I write these speculations. Perhaps they just juice together with old trash bags and dry all retired goods into a crust of abundance.

I always think about where I can put this salt to good use. We don't have any horses, so nobody is around to lick all that excess salt up. You can't just drink it. I'm telling you, that was not a question. It's ok really, because we don't eat many chips or crackers- so we don't run into my Depression era sensibilities much with that conundrum. Thank goodness.

Charles is a sweet man who instead of getting mad, gets even. Thanks for being a genius AND patient with me. We crazy people can only get so far on intelligence fumes. Meanwhile, the blue sheets I've mentioned in previous posts could and totally do double for a spider's web, since we always get wrapped up in them and I feel the claustrophobia closing me into the abyss of..wait, I wanted to get those. They were so soft.

Last night I dreamed I was working at McDonald's again- just like during high school. I was late; in my dreams I am always panicking about something. Also, I had quit my current full-time job to make fancy animals. Thanks for encroaching into my dreams Mom.

The tub turkeys have flown the coop and may have dribbled onto our bathroom rug- to the laundry with you, bathroom rug. It happened this morning as Charles was taking the turkeys out of their old bags and putting them into new, dry bags. It hurt me to see all those bags in the trash, but I've been saving my  chip salt, so I'm doing my part. For now.

Monday, November 24, 2014

Table this-

Charles and I have decided to buy a dining room table. Why must we have a dining room table? The same reason we need a couch- to sit at for food time. Currently we have a tiny square table that only fits four people and no food. So we have decided this will be the week to do it. This week's Black Friday after all and we are hoping to find some fresh deals- isn't that the feeling you get from the name Black Friday? I don't know why, but for me it seems to bring feelings of foreboding and death. Why couldn't it be yellow deal Friday? Anyway, who cares? I never shop around on that day.

I'm eating an almond snickers as we speak. Well, you're not speaking. All I hear from your end is radio silence. That's ok. We can always catch up on Facebook later, even though we never do, because Facebook is like a giant grocery store where everyone is always window shopping and never buying anything. Since that's what I usually do at clothing stores, sounds like my kind of place.

Yesterday Charles and I had a cowboy salad for lunch. We couldn't find any cowboys to add, so it's mostly beans and corn. It says to serve it cold in the recipe, but since I love my Mexican food warmed up, it gave me the chills to eat it chilled. Next time, I'm warming it up. Blah. Besides that it was good.

We also finally put the artwork in our bedroom onto the walls. We've only lived here since July. What's 4 months with a giant landscape sitting in the corner of your bedroom? Nothing I say. Actually, Charles might call me a liar on that one, since I was the hassler trying to get the art up onto the walls. I didn't want to do it myself- the art would surely have crushed me during the hanging, thereby breaking me and our bed it was hung above in one massive stroke. I say massive because the painting is easily the size of Maryland...or our refrigerator, but sideways.

I'm also researching what makes something cool. Do you have any suggestions? Here is my current list- I'm trying to stay partly away from hipster trends- too young to be in my state of cool perhaps?

1. Mustaches
2. Mullets
3. Ninjas
4. Toupees
5. Peanut butter
6. Knives
7. Goats- Unfortunately
8. Cats
9. Ugly clothes
10. Mad skills- any kind
11. Puns
12. Friendliness
13. Kindness

Which list actually does not help me in any way to make cool stocking stuffers this Christmas. I will prevail. I will conquer cool this Christmas. 

I know, Thanksgiving is coming up. Don't I know it. I finally get to see all my friends I haven't seen in 4 months and my Kitty Kat- who has completely forgotten me and has already begun to run. How dare she! It just makes me want to see more babies around and have one on hand. You know, just to cuddle. Everybody loves baby cuddles. 

We'll probably also watch some movies over Thanksgiving and eat loads of turkey and other delicious things. How could you not?

Tomorrow Charles is helping with our community Thanksgiving dinner for the homeless. That means today we had 8 turkeys bobbing in our bathtub, thawing out for Tday. What? You don't do that?

Happy Birthday to my niece Sally last week and to Annette this week. It seems like only yesterday they were born and adorable. Now they're getting taller and more beautiful. It's so weird to have such grown up nieces and nephews, but so it goes.

My mom recently asked what our favorite movies/books were. She said to count series' as one book. So I did. These are mine..kind of. It's hard to pick favorites when you watch/read so many. In no particular order:


1. The Blue Castle
2. Poison study series
3. Storm Testament series
4. Jane Eyre
5. Alvin Journeyman series
6. Ender series
7. The lost Gate series
8. A tree grows in Brooklyn
9. Life of Pi
10. The Miracle of Forgiveness
11. Atlas Shrugged

I haven't read Atlas Shrugged since high school though, so it's been a while, but I remember I could hardly put it down.


1. You've Got Mail
2. Wild Target
3. Pride and Prejudice
4. Anne of Green Gables/Avonlea
5. Wild Hearts can't be Broken
6. Groundhog Day
7. The Scarlet Pimpernel
8. Indiana Jones
9. Deja Vu
10. Robin Hood- the cartoon

Stop judging me because I didn't put Star Wars. There are lots of movies that I like that didn't make the list. It only goes to 10 and I added movies I can watch over and over with a heart full of love, quoting them shamelessly along the way. I also tried thinking of movies that delighted me the first time I watched them and continue to do so.

Friday, November 14, 2014

Pill shaver-

You probably don't even know what a pill shaver is. Well, perhaps I'm not giving you enough credit. What is it?

No, silly. It does not shave the pills you eat. It shaves the tiny balls of lint off your sweaters/sheets that accumulate when you don't want to have to pick them off one by one by one. It's been a long time coming.

Charles would tell you, I'm pretty weird about my covers and sheets. Whenever he gets tucked into the sheets, I reach over and untuck him. When the 5 layers of sheets, comfort, warmth, and style we call our boudoir get into disarray, I smooth them back underneath the pillow nest until our nightly appointed slumber.

Lately, the blue sheets- not the pink cupcake sheets- have gathered together a mutiny of pills by our designated foot area. You may think  "Big deal. Who cares? What's the problem, Boblem? Well I care, and it's been driving me nuts. Pecans not the other kinds, because I'm allergic to some of those. Anyway, I could never pick them off one by one. They're too small and I have tiny arms. I don't think you thought this through. Master. And besides that, I don't have that type of patience. Out of all my projects, have you ever noticed any homemade miniatures for my (whispered) shadowbox? No, it stands empty on our crafting table, taunting me every time I look inside.

So last night, I got all crazy when I changed the cupcake sheets over to the blue set and got out our new...ba da da da!!!!! pill shaver. It worked like a charm. I can't wait to use it on that flesh colored sweater I own that's notorious for pill accumulation. That sweater has a serious drug problem.

Actually, I have to come clean for a second. Our (whispered) shadowbox is not completely empty. It currently has some rings from Ashley's Halloween cupcakes- they were super cute. It also currently displays some mini candy boxes from Jacob and Katie's wedding reception- they're shaped into little groom and bride bodies. Super cute. Perhaps it will become our holiday (whispered) shadowbox.

Tonight we are going to an ice cream social. Unfortunately, I've become a bit of an ice cream snob. In my younger days I loved ice cream. Due to some tifs and misunderstandings between me and ice cream, we have become less easy friends and have become more awkward acquaintances that text every once in a while. I have become more of a connoisseur and less of a gorger. How in the world did I spell connoisseur right on the first try? Let it be recorded I wrote that word correctly the first time. That must be some kind of record. Get this girl some ice cream.

However, let it be Tillimook Mudslide or some such lovely flavor, not Rocky Road or pistachio. I know, those other kinds have nuts, so I shouldn't eat them anyway, but those nuts always seem to stick in one's molars for hours before becoming unceremoniously dislodged by a person's (hopefully) nightly flossing regime.

Charles recently talked a stranger lady into trying TM while looking over her shoulder to see if it was on sale during a recent visit. That one loves ice cream. And I fear, I have also begun passing on the snobbery to him. Woe. Woe to the land of ice cream. Unless ice cream does not like to be eaten, but such is the purpose of food, so it must be in want of consumption. Wot. Otherwise, what would be its purpose and meaning? The meaning of life for ice cream is delight. Not a knife fight. Sticky. I do not like being sticky. Picky. Quite.

And what's the deal between moths and butterflies? Why does the ugly cousin get such a bad rap? You see a butterfly and think "I live in a magical wonderland". You see a moth and thi-SMASH!!! No more moth. I would have to admit that butterflies are majestic and colorful. You never see butterflies in your house, eating your sweaters- with and without pills- and living in old bags of wheat. Bleeh. It just gives me the shivers thinking about moths. The moth pictured below is known as the red velvet moth. Actually, I made that up. But doesn't it remind you of red velvet cake? Yeah, like I said.

Next time I see a moth, I'm going to say "Hey moth, go get butterfly. We love him. Bring him over and you can totally hang with us." Then SMASH. Seriously, you win twice. First, because you have a magical woodland creature flying around you because, for the love, you killed his cousin. Second, you got rid of a pesky moth. What's not to love about this scenario. You even get a fresh batch of glitter out of the deal because everyone knows that's where glitter comes from. Haven't you ever killed a moth? It's a sin to kill butterflies.

On my mission, my companion would kill butterflies. Then she would encase them in clear tape and make them into bookmarks. I would just pick up dead butterflies I saw on the street. Weirdly, instead of picking up coins on my mission from the street- almost never happened- I would find flowers and butterflies and put them into my weekly planner. That's what I did on the road.

These days I don't pick up change in the parking lots and on the ground. For some reason, I feel like money in California is dirtier than Missouri money. Is that Statist of me? Anyway, I will only pick up coins of a nickel or more. Or perhaps, instead of changing areas, it is more a change in my state of mind. I have grown up a little bit. High minded and the like. You know how I do.

Apparently this is a trend evidenced not only by my inability to ignore pills, but also in my ice cream preferences. I enjoy nice things. So sue me. Actually, I've said this before, but don't. I'm not as rich as the ice cream I prefer.

Wednesday, November 12, 2014

Apple muffins-

Have you ever listened to a podcast? I haven't listened to many, but my friend Amar recently recommended this one to me. It's called Serial. It's like what they used to do on the radio- a weekly episode highlighting different aspects of a mysterious case you want solved.

This podcast is based on a true story which makes the ending even more tantalizing to hear. I got to the seventh episode and had to stop- There were only 7 episodes. So now, every Thursday, I can feel a tiny bit more frustrated about how it will all end. You should listen to it. Or maybe not, because then you'll be hooked.

To the person who leaves their dirty dishes on the clean side of the sink at work:

How dare you? I am not your mother. Nor do I command you to clean your own mug, you work at an adult job, why should you be expected to wash your own cup? However, the fact is, you are kind of a jerk. If you're going to leave your dirty dishes around the break room, have enough respect to put them on the table or in the sink, instead of in the midst of all the clean dishes I cleaned two hours ago. You swine.

Swine eat apples. I'm positive I've already raved about these muffins, but this is a good way to dispose of old apples. I like crispy apples as much as the next girl, but I do not tolerate shriveled apples, nor do I encourage profligate mushy apples. What a waste. Anyhow, these don't last long at my house and there are only two of us.

Rolled paper art. How have I never discovered this before? Paper rolling is the coolest new artistic medium, though it's probably as old as Ali Baba. It is a new discovery to me though and I'm wholly impressed with the people who actually make cool stuff like this out of rolled up paper.

Also, hair art. Honestly, I heard about this when I was like 15 years old. I met a girl, who had learned the skill from family members, at an exhibit in Independence, Missouri about olden time traditions. She said the hair only had to be 2 inches long to use it. You just clean out your hairbrush or whatever to get useful supplies. Actually, just thinking about this gives me the willies, but I used to be really interested in this or rather the pragmatic artist inside of me was. It's a way to remember departed friends or family members. Also called mourning wreaths.

However, when I first googled hair art, I found this.

This is probably where the first willies started. Bah.. can you imagine wearing that around? I can't even handle one hair on my neck without going into spasms to find and remove it, much less a wreath of hairs.

Charles, don't go harvesting from my hairbrushes either. If you're looking for something to do, we need some banana bread. Love, your weird wife

Friday, November 7, 2014

Costco, you would-

Charles and I have recently received, from the bounty of some new friends, a Costco membership. Perhaps previously mentioned, Charles tried before our wedding to petition for a Costco membership, but was denied membership. Thanks Costco. Apparently, even though they will only accept money straight from your debit account or cash, we were not deemed worthy to shop there. So pfft Costco, we have a full year to decided whether we wish to throw our money at you or not when we get filthy rich. Or filthy richer. Since we are blessed beyond belief in our lives already.

We are grateful for this freedom to shop where we want. That said. What in the world!? For those of you who don't shop there, you are probably doing ok. I mean, besides some shopping during my summers in Alaska, I don't have much experience with Costco. Granted, early in my childhood we would eat platforms of muffins from some heavenly place, but more recently I have discovered the home of said muffins.

Charles and I try to get in and out with staples that will keep us alive. The deals there are terribly tempting. Unfortunately for us, or is it fortunately, we have found deals in raspberries, heavy cream, butter, milk, flour, chocolate chips, toilet paper, clorox wipes, and paper towels.

If you know me, you know I love saving money, and what better way is there than spending loads of money to save your future self a couple bucks. Meanwhile, I'm trying to keep Charles from the orange chicken and he's talking me out of a 15 lb. bag of blueberries. (We could use them for smoothies and muffins and every delicious thing!) 

I suppose one problem with giant buckets of produce is using said produce before it goes bad. We currently have a half gallon of heavy cream and a drawer full of spinach waiting to be combined into this. So not only does it force us to eat like kings, but also gives us some new territories to forage. Plus, there are only two of us. I'm sure once Christmas comes around we will get some serious use out of that card.

Oh Costco, how you pain my budget and challenge my self control. As an added bonus, heed this warning: never shop at Costco on a Saturday. The people there are all crazy- yes, especially me when I decide to shop on that most hectic of all days and knowing better. It's like trying to find cheese you dropped on the ground in the middle of a buffalo stampede.

The last time we visited we noticed a colossal bear that I doubt would fit a standard sized door frame. Sorry kids, your Christmastime fancy animals are NOT that size. I even need to shrink down the t-shark I made, because for some reason, he looks misshapen and rather strange and nobody wants a strange looking stuffed animal. I trow. I'll see what I can do.

Even without a giant teddy in your cart, it is nigh near impossible to leave the store spending less than $100. However, we just bought a 25 lb. flour for $7.50. Now that's a bargain! Plus, we bake a lot, so using up all that flour will be pretty easy for us. 

Besides Costco, the cats are still prowling around our back fence. I know, I've seen them. Stealthy monsters wreaking havoc and parasites into unsuspecting soils. How dare you!

And do you know what else? Pinterest! What a guy! I have so many crafty projects floating through my mind, it's a wonder I don't have more crafty material supplies floating around my house. Sorry Charles, I love you so much!

The beach! We should go to the beach. Remember how we live like 10 minutes away and we never go? Granted, it has been a little chilly, but maybe tomorrow? We don't have plans do we? Probably just loads of homework. Homework? That's one nice thing about being graduated, no homework anymore for me. Woot!

Now in the spirit of Jimmy Fallon: Thank you Daylight Savings, for changing the light in my cubicle and putting stalking shadows that look like murderers in my peripheral anytime someone walks past my opposing window after 3 pm.

Wednesday, November 5, 2014

Trash Inspector-

I should label my blog, "The weird parts of me". As it is, I will stand by my title "Compost of the Mouth" since I always only have a little to say about everything.

Man! I just dropped an oat into my keyboard. Now I'm going to need a keyboard cat to eat all the mice.

Does trash fascinate anyone else out there? I recently was asking Charles about something in the trash can- I believe it was a ziploc bag and he was like "Why are you policing the trash?" I have no idea. However, I do know it may be in my genes.

Speaking of jeans, I cut up a pair of jeans into squares last year, thinking I'd sew them into a jean quilt and have instead made fancy animals out of the squares. They're actually pretty cute with the denim. Woot. When you combine other materials with the denim, the sewing machine is still able to get through it all without too much trouble. In case you were wondering.

My friend Chelsea who bought a fancy animal for her son Windham, just told me he knows what a whale is, and what a penguin is, but he insists on calling his penguin a whale. I don't know why, but I get a kick out of that. Perhaps he thinks the penguin is too fancy to be just called a penguin. I don't blame him.

Back to trash. My mother has been known to find things we've hidden in the trash, and my father is notorious for pulling out food scraps and putting them into the compost or chicken feed pile. You know, since peeling potatoes is messy, we'd peel into the trash. When we finished, he would tell us we should have done it into the sink, etc.

So now I look in the trash when I throw things away. Sorry Charlie. As for policing, I have blogged before that I often wonder what's in the black trash bags on the side of roads and highways. If they were just full of trash, wouldn't they be in a landfill? That's my line of reasoning. Since they're not, they must either be forgotten treasures or bodies. I have not yet had the courage to investigate.

Onto my love of containers. I don't know why, but I also have an explainable love to containers. I don't even know what to put in the containers, but any containers I find, I want to keep and find uses for them. It must stem from the dismay I feel when I see good things going to waste. Like one time use Ziploc bags. Or perhaps when I find things that need containers, I mourn the containers I have not kept track of. Anyway, I might start giving you gifts in old vitamin bottles and pretzel containers. You're welcome.

Tuesday, November 4, 2014

Decorating the Season's Greetings-

I love decorations. My mother always decorated our house like crazy year round. If there was a holiday, we got holiday decorations. If it was just seasonal, she would put out the leaves. It was like living in the forest in the forest-we lived in the woods.

So we enjoyed a decorated existence at home. When I went to college, I usually had crafty and creative roommates who utilized their craftiness to holiday decorating effect. However, somehow I never contributed to the decorations- just the food. I'm all about holiday foods. On my mission, I most certainly decorated. My mom sent me a couple cards and pictures and I hung them up above my desk. Voila. Decorated.

Now, I have a husband. He decorates my house. He's a very handsome man, who says he doesn't like cats, but really loves all animals profusely. I know it, because he's always telling me I'm all manner of different animals. He calls me animal names and I call him pastry names. We are madly in love. Can't you tell?

Anyway, Charles loves decorating, our garden, and studying for his frightfully difficult classes. He studies all the time and still has time to play with me when I get home. It's nice. I appreciate the time we spend together. Usually we make food together or throw rocks at the cats coming into our garden to poop. Well, maybe that will happen eventually. It's on our list.

I saw that orange tabby stalking the base of our fence yesterday on my way out. I leave the house out the back- less walking and I feel cooler walking in and out through our timid garden shoots.Our own secret garden. Or it would be a secret, except everyone in the world knows about our garden. Don't worry, though it was once perfect, the bugs have found it somehow. Our poor pepper plant, previously untouched, has pinholes punched in its poor plump leaves. Poor pepper.

Back to decorating the inside of my house. I should probably decorate for these holidays. If I don't decorate for them, I won't feel like it is that time of year. I know because my sparse mission decorations always left me feeling like I missed out on something. Perhaps I will make my own decorations and then turn them into fancy animals when the season is over. How do you like them apples?

When my major was Recreational Management Youth Leadership, I would always say I'd probably change my major. However, I never did. Thinking on my ideal job, I would perhaps make a list of all the things I love and pull from a conglomeration of those activities my dream job.

1. Reading- I love reading books. The other worlds I find there amaze me.
2. Babies- I love babies. They are so cute and fun.
3. Movies- I don't know why I love watching them so much. They delight me and some, though horrifying in style, amuse me to infinity.
4. Talking- You may not know this about me, but I love talking. I love hearing hilarious stories and then telling those hilarious stories to other people. Maybe that's why I love reading blogs so much. I read them, and then I tell Charles all the funny stuff I read.
5. Laughing- I love funny jokes. I abhor lame jokes. An aside- puns do not count. Word play is a gift.
6. People- Meeting people is cool. Where else can you get such rad stories?
7. Dancing- I'm a dancing spaz, but I love it.
8. Creating- Making cool stuff is awesome.
9. Writing- It's like talking. On paper. And people can just stop reading if they want, instead of just walking away from someone who's just talking and talking. It's less rude to do it on paper.
10. Not Arithmetic ie. Charles- He's the only math I like. Actually, wait. I love money. Money is math. I love my baby and money = I love math.
11. Singing- Charles and I often make up our own songs and sing them around the house.
12. Cooking- Really eating.

So I guess you could say my dream job would be something where I could watch movies, sing, dance, read, and laugh. Sounds like a mom. However, I don't want to watch the SAME movie over and over again. Maybe I could find a job like that. Being funny. Baseball. I love many things. I guess being a receptionist is a good stepping stone.