Wednesday, April 20, 2016

Anticipation; The rise and fall of hope 101

If you've been wondering how our baby growing endeavor is going, we have started another cycle of IVF. As you might have guessed, it was not successful in December. If you would like to fast for us, as a couple of people have offered to do, a good day for that would be May 1st.

We are doing another fresh cycle, and will hopefully harvest a boatload of healthy and viable eggs from my ovaries. We also hope there is not an overcrowding of the boat, as it is possible to have an overstimulation of your ovaries. In fact, the first thing I remember saying after waking up from my egg harvest in October, was that I must have produced inferior numbers. The lady next to me had about 10 more eggs than I had and Charles remonstrated me with the hazards of overstimulation and inferior egg quality.

Since my ovaries are going to be stimulated to grapefruit size in the next couple of weeks, much as a prized hen before a county fair, I now know what to expect. As a hint, it is rather a strange sensation. Rather like a rummage sale, wherein many treasures lie, but must first be discovered by frantic buyers. This might also be due to an inordinate amount of gas, for I was quite uncomfortable in the two weeks preceding my extraction.

I assume that unsettled and strange feeling of items being flung around inside of you lasts the entirety of an actual pregnancy.

Please pardon me if I present indelicate jokes regarding childlessness in your presence. I have already begun throwing out terrible jokes with wild abandon. Sorry Deane. It seems to be one of the many ways I cope with emotional instability. I will try and limit myself to hopeful jokes about future sleepless nights and children opening and spreading Costco-sized containers of peanut butter onto our, currently, white couch.

Thank goodness I get to choose a See's candy after my current three shots a day. Aman, I'm not sure how you did shots daily for 7 months, but you rock! Also, Penny is adorable, so I can see that it was worth it.

I see this also is a good incentive for me not to over-indulge in sweets so often. All Charles needs to do is remind me about diabetes treatments when I'm going crazy making cookie pizzas and Boston cream pies.

For anyone wondering about the intricacies of doing IVF, it's not nearly as terrifying as you imagine in the planning months. Once you start the process, feelings calm and you notice the process is quite bearable. The worst part is anticipation; the rise and fall of hope.

I have let a loss of hope get the better of me multiple times in this series of injections and rejection of embryos. However, as I remember the love of my Heavenly Father and the sacrifice of his son Jesus Christ, I am also reminded of the instigator of pain and despair- Satan. He does not hold back from total brutality when wounding our spirits.

Jacob 7:5
And he had hope to shake me from the faith, notwithstanding the many revelations and the many things which I had seen concerning these things; for I truly had seen angels, and they had ministered unto me. And also, I had heard the voice of the Lord speaking unto me in very word, from time to time; wherefore, I could not be shaken.
I hope that in your times of trial and weakness, though completely different from mine, that you let this scripture fortify you with the knowledge of our Father and his Son's love for you.

You can do hard things, even if: you're single, you don't feel confident, you stink at softball, you're sick of eating burritos, the top of your fridge is dusty, your children are aliens, you can't eat ice cream anymore. Sorry about all of those things, but you are awesome!


Amanda Petersen said...

My dear Mer! I'm so sorry December didn't work out:( I will pray like CRAZY for May! You are amazing and I can totally relate to your feelings of gaining and losing hope. Throughout our journey to get Penny here I had to remind myself often that doubt and fear are agents of Satan and do not come from the Lord! I love the scripture you shared! It is so true. Hugs from Texas and prayers for the next part of your journey! Sure love you!

Karol said...

I'll fast for you!

Karol said...

I'll fast for you!

HJolley said...

I'm definitely praying for you. Wish we lived closer! Your posts always keep me laughing. I made a new friend in my new ward, and she reminds me so much of you and that makes me soooooo happy!!!

Rachel said...

I will pray for you!! Still can't fast because breastfeeding (another pro to having kids I guess, haha) so I will also cross all
Of my fingers and toes! My BFF here has been trying for a baby with IVF, starting another cycle soon too. Good luck with all of your shots!!!