Today on It Really Steams my Bacon:

There is a person!! Nay, multiple people who have been parking in our assigned parking spot at our apartment complex. Seriously people? Last week it was some kid visiting his mom with his friends. Last night at midnight, it was our new neighbor's boyfriend.

Did Charles knock on her door only to have the peephole darkened twice, whilst no person opened the door? Yes. Did our landlady answer the phone even though she was asleep and out of town? Yes she did. I was uber embarrassed about that part. Charles saw her light on, so he thought she was awake. Maybe it was her tv? Anyway, we couldn't call on our own behalf. Apparently, to get a person towed, your landlord has to call the tow company. I understand the laws made to limit such things, but it's getting frustrating always having a person in our designated spot.

Is it so much to ask to have a neighbor who doesn't talk to you, but also doesn't have people parking in your spot? At least when Betty Joe's friends parked there, they had the decency to be embarrassed about it and then they would move. Honestly, if I could, I would park in front any car in my spot. If it didn't block the whole parking lot, I would totally do it. Then they'd have to knock on my door to leave their spot. Idiots. Just in case you were wondering how I feel about that situation.

As an aside, it would make me feel better if there was no other parking anyplace in the lot, but there are lots of available spots anytime that are unmarked. It just comes down to laziness and selfishness. Next time I'm putting drugs in the wheel wells and calling the police on them. Do you think advil would stay better or tylenol? I only have 2 ibuprofin tablets left and I'm going to need those in a couple weeks. Wink.

Anyway, next time any of you park in my spot, I'm just calling my landlady immediately to get the tow truck. I want these people to learn a valuable lesson. It's called consequences and ends with you paying $50 to get your car back because you were too lazy to walk 10 more feet to your girlfriend or mom's house. Alright, vent closed for the day. Until next time on It Really Steams My Bacon...

Charles and I are having fun with our summer break from scouts. I miss them a little bit, but am enjoying seeing them at church and not having to boss them around without results. I guess that's how parents feel once school starts every fall. Ah, I see.

I have thought a bit about water lately, because our city sent us some flyers last week about how we only have 3 more years of water left for everyone. I would love to store some water to hedge against that eventuality. However, we don't have access to a swimming pool-sized room to store a lake of water in for just us, which is unfortunate because water is important.

We are going to be taking inventory of some of our preparatives for the El Niño storm which has been projected for this winter. Rain would be nice. Flooding, not so nice. Anyway, our bed is on stilts, so if we have to reenact Winnie the Pooh and the Blustery Day, we'll be sleeping above most of the water. Something to look forward to.

I've talked lately with multiple people about the importance of preparedness and have realized how behind we are, but we're getting a little better. In fact, I think Charles would like for me to grow my hair long again so we could always be sure to have candle wicks. So I'm working on that.

So now you know, we're preparing for all manner of things and it sounds like we need to restock on important things like ibuprofin. Just in case the visiting sharks get cramps while they're trying to eat us.

Congratulations Racquel on your new beautiful baby! Happy Birthday Meghan! You are super sweet! I hope you had an excellent birthday celebration!

Looking into the past and future-

When I was in college, I ate a lot of burritos. Now when I say I ate a lot of burritos, I mean I ate burritos every..single...day for months. In fact, I believe I ate many such items throughout my college and post college years.

Nate will even tell you that one time I cried to him in Budge Hall about eating burritos all the time and then he took me to get some other kinds of food. He has always been a kind friend. I did try to buy a giant block of cheddar cheese in that instance, probably for burritos, which was like $20, that we put back.

So that's the past. And today for lunch, I had a burrito. Unfortunately, and you know this, when you get burritos in bulk they just can't be as good. So we got a million from Chipotle for work and it was different. I ate it, I liked it, but it was always strange. Except I love me some free burritos, so what's the problem here?

Anyway, I'm spoiled and I'm taking one home for the other guy. The one who makes me dinner every night and curls my toes with chocolate chip cookies covered in homemade pudding, sandwiched with another cookie, covered in ganache.

And that's why we don't have nice things. Mmm. Ganache covered computers. Don't do this at home!

Paddington-

Charles and I recently had the good fortune to get Paddington from the library. I remember liking the book when I was younger and the reviews were good. I will give it 4 out of 5 stars. Actually, on IMDB I gave it 8 out of 10. The great thing about that movie is you don't have to be a kid to enjoy watching it. There were many cool inventor things and it flowed very well. I enjoyed it immensely and think it's a great family movie.

Gee hosafat, I almost got in a wreck this week. That was not my favorite. I was turning right at an intersection, the lane I was turning into was empty, and then I turned. In this fantastic moment, an older woman changed lanes in the middle of the intersection, straight for me. I swerved into a curb and got a chunk out of my back tire, but she didn't hit me. Wonder of wonders that her death stare didn't kill me either. She is dumb. How dare she switch lanes in the middle of an intersection. How dare she?! Doesn't she know it's illegal in some states and she could have gotten cited by a policeman for dangerous driving?

Anyway, I was distraught afterwards because of it. Then Charles took the car in to get a new tire and they told us it is a better idea to buy two new tires. Seriously people? Blah. However, we just got our car new last year, so I don't want to damage my car by only buying one new. I hate car replacement stuff.

I started and finished the book "Finnikin of the Rock". 5 stars. It was so good. Interesting, not doggedly long, and quite the page turner. So yes, I would recommend it.

This week, my charming husband made food for us every day for dinner! Those leftovers turn into lunches my friends, and he does a great job. Poor Charles, he gets a break from school, and then he has to turn into Cinderella.

Well, someday our roles will be switched, so he's trying to establish some truths now, while I'm the working individual. He's always telling me to read and relax while he makes me food and washes the dishes. See, he's so sneaky. I see what's going on here, husband.

Anyway, the spider in the kitchen disappeared. Probably because it was also reading my blog and knew what was coming his way. See: shoe.

Father's Day is coming up. It's Sunday. Just so you know, you ought to send your Dad a card for this day. He's a cool guy. Well, my Dad's pretty cool. 

In other news, my wedding ring keeps making my finger all rashy. I got it cleaned in April for the same thing. I don't know why, but it's not cool. It's actually raised, red, and pretty warm. Got that rash? Not cool.

Charles and I have been busy interspersing movies with Edwina. Edwina is our robot. She's taking the place of our sweet neighbor Betty Joe, who moved. Poor sweet Betty Joe, who we would have to sneak into our house quietly every night to avoid, so she didn't open her door and talk our ears off. Ears are hard work to grow back.

This fancy machine is called Edwina. She is Charles' robot. This activity was called the Love-O-Meter. You had to kiss the paper and the machine would tell you if you had hot lips. Apparently, I did not. So we blew on it. Even after becoming a breathless and dizzy, we barely upped the hot-lovin' index. Next on the list, being a cool cat. We're up for the challenge. 

Charles absolutely loves Edwina. She has not been neglected and is very versatile. When given the choice between hooking up our robot or watching a movie, I would say we liberally swap.

Speaking of watching movies, Charles and I just got a new tv. Thanks Mario, Windham, and Chelsea! It works great and actually turns on and off when you push power, instead of changing the volume and doing other fancy things like that. Luckily, it had not yet lost the button inside the console, like our tv at my parent's house. You'd have to poke your pinkie into the hole and hope it didn't get stuck inside every time you turned the television on or off. Woot for magical memories.

Speaking of magical. Big News: Last night, Charles used tweezers to grab a feisty bug that was halfway sticking out from our light fixture thingamajig in our bathroom. He grabbed it and flushed it with skill and gusto. The big news is Charles is a Bug KILLING Wizard! Woot! Check that off my dream list 1. Marry an exterminator. Ugh, gives me the shivers just thinking about that creepy bug. 

Mr. Cho, there's a spider in the kitchen. Did you see it? It's by the oven, in case you didn't see it. I'm calling Charlotte to tell her she'd better get added to her cousin's will, because he's on his way out. 

Strawberries-

You love 'em. I love 'em.

Movie- The Congress- 1 out of 10
It was so bad. Do not ever watch it. Language, naked cartoons- whence we finally turned it off. It's not rated, but it's not good. Anyway, also weird and boring. So yeah, even though somehow it won lots of awards, don't bother.

Movie- Bella- 7 out of 10
Enjoyable, interesting, and had a sweet ending.

I just read eating green salad from green plates would make me want to eat more of it. That's why I eat so much white stuff- because our plates at home are white. What? I haven't yet read about brown plates, but I feel that may explain why I eat so many brownies, but only when they're served on brown plates. Makes sense.

I have the hunger man. So hungry today. It must be the ants in our closet. Yes, we have ants in our closet. They came in loads in December. Then we put out some poison. They take it to their nest and then we see them not again for a time. Like April. So we put out some more poison and we have a slow trickle of ants- way better than the outpouring received right after the poison was set. They were everywhere and it totes creeped me out.

Also, since I wrote this a while ago, and just realized it has been drafting for a while, I will add there is now a green/yellow spot forming on the ceiling of our walk-in closet. It somehow doesn't surprise me, since another person told me ants look for water during droughts just like other living things. So hopefully our landlady will not let our closet ceiling cave in on us. We shall see.

I also am imagining a giant mound of dead ant bodies gradually growing in size and rotting in that exact spot. I'll let you know which one it actually turns out to be.

We went to the Farmer's Market with Holly, Jack and Sammy. This is a real jungle gym made of bike rims.

This is the picture I made them take because they said Steam Alley didn't exist. Here's my proof along with all the skeptics. 

Sammy and Charles in Gum Alley. Mmmm. Chewy.

We the people in Gum Alley. Look how good we look! Wow, the gum is almost dimmed by our presences.

A salad I spilled in the back of my car. Luckily it went on the floor and didn't yet have any dressing on it. Whew! That was a close one.

Saturday Charles and I helped two families in our ward move. I found out one of the ladies is a book agent! What? I missed that chance because I am too lame to talk to new people? Anyway, perhaps I can yet woo her skills with my rhetoric. If anything comes of it, don't forget to buy my book. I will sign it for free!

Oops, it's June-

Sorry folks, my life got a little busier at work in May and I rarely go online after work. Why would I stare at the same alien light during the night that I do every day for 8 hours? I'd much rather watch movies after work. Irony noted.

Now, here we are, blogging and stuff. Today for lunch, I have stroganoff (My spellcheck wishes to change this word to strongman. Permission denied, spellcheck) and enchiladas. Not together. I wouldn't. However, apart, yes I would.

Congratulations to all my lovely friends getting engaged, married, babied, and dogs. Your lives are full. I feel you.

I would like to tell you about two important things that have happened in my life recently. Whoa. Ok, here goes.

1. I have decided the papaya diet is the best cleanser there is. If you want some kind of body cleanse, to clean you out, eat a whole bunch of papaya. It does taste like honey fruit, but if you can just get past that and eat it, you will experience a special kind of cleanse.

It's a wonderful thing I noticed on my mission. I got sick of eating beans and scrambled eggs all the time and moved over to eating papaya and watermelon for meals. It was awesome.

Now, to get a good papaya, go to the fruit section and select the oldest, most rotten looking fruit you can find. Well, try not to pick one that's too sickly looking, but honestly those are the ripest, most delicious picks, so you should definitely just take your chances.

Take it home, slice the peel off the outside like you would a giant apple, and take ALL the seeds out. Don't eat them. They are yucky. Then, slice up that mama pizza and eat it like you would cantaloupe. Eat loads of it. Then, you will not see it again until tomorrow. You will know what I'm talking about. And that, my friends, is science.

2. Our friend Fred died. Well, the spider living behind our plunger, who we always assumed was a man spider, but was found spinning together a giant egg sac in plain sight. Now, I'm totes ok with a spider feeding on silverfish behind our plunger.

What I'm not ok with, is millions of wicked looking spiders taking over my house. I've seen that movie. So I texted my personal assassin yesterday and told him to "Take Fred OUT". And he did. He asked if I wanted to say goodbye, and I said no. Firstly, I was reading and I'm almost done with Wheel of Time book 11. Secondly, and I repeat myself, I've seen that movie. I didn't want Fred leaping affectionately onto my face once he/she saw the goodbye look in my eyes.

So Charles killed Fred. And flushed Fred's egg sac. With all the millions of baby demon spiders with him. My one regret was I never saw the top of that spider, which I'm assuming was poisonous and deadly, but now I can never prove it. Blast.

So now you know all the juicy details of my life. You are welcome.

The eater of silverfish-

He lives behind the plunger.

I hope he's not a towel lunger.

I named him Sven 

and watch him creep from my perch on the porcelain. 

I almost killed him once and thought, "I can do him one better."

He has wicked legs and in memory pegs, some imaginings of master Shredder.

I have an overwhelming need

 to make sure he doesn't breed.

In my house 

like a mouse

I'll make him a sweater, 

that silverfish go getter

Sven, my friend, my leggy trout, 

YOU FREAK ME OUT! I want to shout.

And then I pout 

about Sven in my head and his clout.

He eats the silverfish in my house

and thus I tell my spouse..

Wait for the shout, 

when the guy with the clout 

goes towel hopping 

for the freakout chopping. 

It's coming. 

Therefore, I increase my humming.

"AGH! Spider, on my arm!" I splutter.

Then less flamboyently I notice. "It's a piece of moss," I mutter.

So friends who visit my house, 

we house no mouse. Just Sven the louse.

Whose crime is only catching silverfish.

"I hope he never climbs my towel" my ever so fervent wish.

Which more do I dread? The spider or the silverfish?

Off with his head! Hand me a dish!

Poor Sven of the guild silver-catcher-fish.

One day I'm sure he will go squish.

Towel lunging is his passion. 

I agree in my heart after a fashion.

I cannot release my ultimate dread,

of Sven going towel jumping in my head.